|Just What the Doctor
I discovered the "Cameron Column" early
in 1997. This guy writes some very funny stuff. Let me
get the "required" items out of the way first, then it's
on to the humor (it's worth reading!) - Tom
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Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure
when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
KENNEDY: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
KENNEDY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid
looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She
was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake
tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like
Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a
fight with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
KENNEDY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably
behind her back they call her "Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
KENNEDY: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable
to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When
she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
KENNEDY: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by
pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
KENNEDY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw
in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should
note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears
to be in a bit of distress.
KENNEDY: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My
clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what
killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files
people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
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