Wednesday, July 17, 2002 Issue 3, July 2002   VOLUME 1 ISSUE 3  


pronounced PEAK

A Discussion on Gas Dispersion Models
Let's Take a PEAK at PEAC
Technical Tidbit
Let's Take a PEAK Into AristaTek
Wonderful Wyoming
Just What the Doctor Ordered
Authorized Distributors of the PEAC Systems
Where Will We Be?
Issue 2, June 2002
June 17, 2002
Vol. 1 Issue 2
Issue 1, May 2002
May 17, 2002
Vol. 1 Issue 1
Just What the Doctor Ordered
A Little Laughter

Chili Cookoff

I discovered the "Cameron Column" early in 1997. This guy writes some very funny stuff. Let me get the "required" items out of the way first, then it's on to the humor (it's worth reading!) - Tom

A FREE Internet Newsletter brought to you by W. Bruce Cameron, often quoted by the press as someone "speaking on the condition of anonymity."

If you are not a subscriber, you should be. Please send a message to with the words "subscribe cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message or just visit onine.

The Cameron Column
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Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1997
This newsletter may be distributed freely on the internet in its entirety. To subscribe, send a message to with the words "subscribe cameron" in lower case as the first line in your message.

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous

Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no

one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at

the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's

table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was

assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that

spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure

when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor  Very mild.

KENNEDY:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried

          paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put

          the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.  These people

          are crazy.

Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?)  with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno


JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken


KENNEDY:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure

          what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave

          off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.

          Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.  The barmaid

          looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.  She

          was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake

          tattoo under her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like

          Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a

          fight with her.

Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more


JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

KENNEDY:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a

          uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing

          Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my

          way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded

          me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of

          my chest.  She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably

          behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for

            fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

KENNEDY:  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable

          to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh

          refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.  When

          she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's

          kinda cute.

Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground

            adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must

            admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

KENNEDY:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I

          belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.

          The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili

          had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue by

          pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of

          irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop


Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of

            spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

            garlic. Superb.

KENNEDY:  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous

          flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except

          Sally.   I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned


JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw

            in canned chili peppers at the last moment.  I should

            note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears

            to be in a bit of distress.

KENNEDY:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin

          and I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and

          the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My

          clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of

          my mouth at some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll know what

          killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.

          I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and

          I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just

          let it in through the hole in my stomach.  Call the X-Files

          people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

            nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when

            Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of


JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for

            all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its


KENNEDY:    Momma?

All who respond to the survey will be included in a drawing for a free copy of PEAC WMD 2002 for Windows. The drawing will take place prior to the release of the August issue.


Just a note to say I enjoy your newsletter and I am looking forward to

seeking PEAC for PDA applications.


Robert Shelton, FF/EMT

Cincinnati Fire Division


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